the revenge of sister act

Deloris Van Cartier (Whoopi Goldberg) is again asked to don the nun’s habit to help a run-down Catholic school, presided over by Mother Superior (Maggie Smith). And if trying to reach out to a class full of uninterested students wasn’t bad enough, the sisters discover that the school is due to be closed by the unscrupulous local authority chief Mr. Crisp (James Coburn). –IMDB

I am seriously, not joking, 100% convinced this movie didn’t have a script. nope, the entire thing was ad-libbed.

I knew I was in for trouble when I saw jennifer love hewitt had a role and she was calling herself jennifer “love” hewitt. horrible use of quotations is one of my biggest pet peeves. is your middle name love or not??

of course I immediately report to IMDB and was very pleased to discover they’re so on top of it.

in a nutshell: script or no script this movie blows.

TWO STARS

sister act

Songbird Deloris Van Cartier (Whoopi Goldberg) needs protection after inadvertently seeing her gangster boyfriend, Vince (Harvey Keitel), commit murder. She’s rechristened Sister Mary Clarence and stashed in a convent, where her heretical behavior shakes up the order — especially starchy Mother Superior (Maggie Smith). Relegated to the choir, Deloris peppers their repertoire with doo-wop and soon draws the media’s attention … and Vince’s. –Netflix

holy gosh this movie is horrible. whoopi gets put into the poor man’s version of witness protection (which I bought since cops from reno were running the show) after she decides to testify against her crime boss boyfriend. she ends up at a convent where she transforms the choir into spiced up glory. mostly she takes regular songs and adds jesus stuff to them by crossing out words like “baby” and “darlin’” and replacing them with “jesus”. they were well on their way to a myrrh album not to mention a private performance with the pope when the mob catches up with her. you sit there fingers crossed she’s gonna get what’s coming when you remember there’s a sister act 2.

lots of scenes around 29th and church but not quite enough for an asterisk.

TWO STARS